Can someone get this doctor a tranquilizer please?

So, we've seen two midwifes at our OBGYN office and now, one doctor... Oh if only it never had happened... She's the kinda person you feel like needs a real good slap on the face. You know? Like maybe then she wouldn't talk so jittery, or move in such bizarre twitching motions, or at least would shut the frak up for a second. I didn't slap her. Neither did Paul. It would have been lovely though.

Have you seen the Target skit on SNL? (I heart Kristen Wiig. Seriously the funniest woman since Carol Burnet.) That spastic random mess was our doctor.

(for viewing fun, go to this clip...)

So the woman (that's how we'll refer to her) instilled in me neither confidence nor calm. A simple question (why, Lord, did I open my little mouth...?) was received by a long and rambling and not one freaking bit reassuring answer.

But let me back up. So, my uterus is tilted. And, despite the fact I swore to Paul it swung back around, the woman said that it hadn't. Then she said it was starting to. Then I started to wonder if she knew what a uterus was. She then proceeds to tell me that if it doesn't move in two weeks I'll need a "minor operation with anesthesia"?!?! What? I say, calmly, "Well, Liza suggested that exercises could move it back." Then she kinda moves in a spastic jittery way that makes me more than a little uncomfortable, does something I guess you would call a laugh, and says that she doesn't really think those work. She begins to talk about something else, and I interrupt politely. "Um, could you tell me what those exercises are so I can do them?" So very helpfully, she says, "You put your knee to your chest or something" and kinda jerks her body in very weird ways, not at all resembling the motion of "knee to chest."

Uh, thanks.

Then, the baby's heartbeat. She puts the little thing to my stomach and...
1001, 1002, 1003 (no heartbeat yet, she repositions), 1004, 1005, 1006 (did my baby die?!?! what's going on??), 1007, 1008, 1009 (WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!), 1010, 1011, 1012 (studying the doctor's face for any sign of life, or indication I should not FREAK OUT), 1013, 1014, 1015 ("Sometimes they hide in the back"), 1016, 1017, 1018 (flit flit flit flit flit flit flit).

I was too relieved to slap her.

We will not be seeing that woman again. Although, we have to see another doctor in two weeks. If that one doesn't work out, I'm going back to Liza.