Mommy Ranting

I am learning that I cannot take Kate to playgrounds. I am too judgmental.

Oh, the annoyance of the “I like how you are so nice” indoctrination. How many mothers have I now heard say “Play nice” or “You need to share, I like it when you share” or “I love how you were so nice!” Way to start your child on her path to anorexia early. Okay, that was a little over the top.

In Western society, we not only socialize our children to be competitive (beating the other guy is more important than improving your individual personal achievement – paraphrased from Karen Horney’s work) but we socialize our GIRLS to be NICE. So, ladies. Tell me how you can do both of those things? Be nice and competitive?

Uh, can you say “relational aggression?” Yep, popularity and friends, all with a perfect balance of gossiping and prosocial behaviors.

But really my complaint is about this idea what our little girls have to share everything they have, they must sacrifice for joe-schmoe, and they must smile and enjoy it. Give it up girl, and love it.

Again, probably crossing a line there.

But seriously, studies have shown that we expect our toddler girls *more than our boys* to share toys with strangers and guests. No one expects me to share my car with a strange person. Or my mp3 player. Or the book I’m reading. Or my LUNCH! So why the heck do our kids have to? Sharing doesn’t build empathy, it builds resentment. If you make me give up my mp3 player to the guy next door for an hour because he’s making sad puppy-dog eyes I’m not going to be happy and joyful. I’m going to call the cops! Aren't there other ways to teach empathy and community building besides just forcing a child to share under threat? Doesn't forced sharing just reinforce this notion that we're nice because we get approval and feel good about ourselves for doing it, rather than because it helps someone else out?

So we teach young girls to mask their anger and just suck it up and be nice.

Our current tactic with Kate is to teach her hand to hand combat while raising her to believe that her best can always be improved and is never good enough.

Maybe if we overcompensate she’ll balance out the rest of the world.

Okay, but really. How do we teach our kids empathy while also teaching them to be assertive? How do you teach a child to look after their fellow man while not forcing them to conform to a “be nice to be liked and approved of” attitude?

Of course, I do not want to turn into the parents I heard on the playground yesterday who were saying that "my son is too young to be expected to understand sharing" (He was five.) and whose same son not only invaded my personal space but also was about to knock Kate over before I physically moved him and verbally confronted him.

So really, this is about me learning to not judge. I'm a long ways off. Obviously. They feed you something at the hospital when you have kids that decreases your empathy for other parents. I think it's the jello.