Goodbye blogging world

It's been years of sharing, but now we are done.

There is so much to share but as the kids get older it feels unfair to create a record of them out in the blogosphere that their future selves have no control over. As things have gotten harder I have desired more to reach out and realize that this is no longer the forum for it.  With a now 7 year old I cannot talk about her and share our joys and struggles without feeling as though I am violating her privacy, her personhood, in some way.

It is time for this blog to come to a close. I will continue to share pictures via Google plus and emails, so let me know if you want to be added to that list.

Thanks for listening and being part of this..

My 7 year old!

Graffiti

Kate has taken to graffiti lately to express herself. Her bedroom wall states "I hate today" and our picnic table is inscribed with "Kate was here"... Clearly we are needing to step up our discussion about free speech.

My boy

Jacob's declaration: "Mommy, you are the best f**king mommy in the whole world."

Thanks kid! (Don't say that at school)

Kate as 1st Grader

She was lucky enough to follow her teacher up with her entire class! Now she is in a K-1 split. Here she is with her Kindergarten buddy she is paired up with.

My boy

I love this kid so desperately. He still asks me to hold him as I walk him to his classroom so we can hug and cuddle. I'm such a sucker.

Basketball player for the Longhorns!

Conversations you should never hear

Jacob: "Milo is not supposed to lick my penis, and Milo is not supposed to lick your vagina."
Kate: "Vulva, Jacob"
(Milo is the dog)

Brave Girl

Kate just was dropped off for her first day of camp. Those moments where as a mom you work to look confident and calm. It's a huge camp with camp counselors and horseback riding and swimming. Not an overnight camp but a size of experience she isn't used to. She was so brave and went straight for the safety of the swings. Her very favorite self soothing activity. Tugs in a mom's heartstrings.

Tornado warning

My pups kept me company while we watching Jim Spencer getting as excited as I've seen him since the Austin "hurricane"...

True soccer fans!

Playing and watching in the rain...!

Cuties

I'm surprised!

My shy kid just signed up for the talent show. She spent an afternoon typing this up to register. (Talent shows no longer have auditions apparently...)

Fashion Designer

Designing costumes for the talent show

"Lefty? Righty?"

Lefty? Righty?: https://youtu.be/lVkn187rTAw

New puppy Milo

Whew

This week has been...

Night terrors every night or so since the time change from our youngest

Three different therapist evals to figure out what to do for our lovely Kate to help all of us function better (two psychotherapists and one occupational therapist).

Daddy and Kate playing all day in the creek, watching birds, catching minnows, and general splashing around.

Me trying to hire an office manager for my new venture and feeling the nerves of putting up a bunch of money for something that may or may not work. Embracing the anxiety and not knowing.

The sweetest cuddles imaginable from my dear Jacob.  A heart breaking sigh of "ah mama..." as he wraps his arms around my neck.

A deep and unabiding desire for sleep.  All I have longed for for six long years.

You can sleep when you're dead, right? Unless you want a psychotic mommy, I counter.

First lost tooth!

Blessings and Curses

I've always struggled when people say things like, "We've been so blessed" or "You won't be given anything that you can't handle."  These ideas that I specifically have been chosen to experience certain things -- be them good or bad -- just doesn't make sense to me.

What does make sense to me is a connectedness among all of us that permeates the pain and joy.  I feel that.  I understand that.  That we are all one in a very literal way.  Our experiences felt and shared.  The constructs we use can separate us and make us feel different and alone or connected and part of something bigger.

These are the things I have been calling on this month.

For one month now we have been challenged with a old part of my daughter that had swelled and pushed out more rational, calmer pieces.  One week ago we walked into the pediatrician's office at a loss for what to do.  For three weeks we'd been dealing with worsening behavior that had kept her home from school even before the surgery happened.  We'd already tried the ER.  They denied she was dehydrated even though she'd been peeing once a day for three days.  They said her behavior was probably psychosis induced by Tamiflu, that she shouldn't have been given (and actually had probably thrown up).  Without any other option, Paul called in desperation to the pediatrician and she blocked off three appointment slots for us to figure out what to do.

I am going to buy our pediatrician a new car.

What she did was save me.  After listening to the whole story, she understood we needed immediate help.  She called the admitting doctor at Dell Children's Hospital and got Kate a room for hydration and respite.  I cried in relief when she told me.  The next three days Kate took her pain meds, had an IV, and ate -- things she would not do at home.  Even though the tantrums continued and she had to be restrained by the nurses and sedated, we were no longer alone in managing them.  She was sleeping more than four hours a night.  WE were sleeping more than four hours a night.

Our discharge plan included a better understanding that this is not new.  This is a very old problem.  Upon reflection, we realized each time we experienced this we thought we had "solved it." That it was over.  Every time it's been some combination of sensory sensitivities mixed with stress and lack of sleep.  Voila!  Uncontrollable rages.  

She's so helpless in it.  Every day we reassure her that we love her and aren't mad.  That we know she's trying her best.

Yesterday she told me, "Mommy there are two parts of me.  There's a part that wants help calming down, and there's a part that wants to kick and hurt you."

We have a plan.  It's not perfect, but it's a plan.  I can cling to a plan as though it's a wizard sent with a magic wand.  I become ferociously optimistic and dedicated when given a plan and told what to do.  I'm a very good soldier.  Hopefully that will last until we get this situation calmed a bit.

The thing that has really gotten me through though is the help from my community.  I have been overwhelmed and my heart has been filled by the support I am getting.  Emails and texts from people checking in, meals brought by, cards.  My dad took a week off of work so after two weeks off I could actually go back to work.  

That is what is sustaining me right now. That connectedness.  I feel the support and love.  Even if there isn't understanding of the experience, there's understanding of the suffering, and that's all I need.  That's all we all need.  To hear someone say, "This is so incredibly hard."  I am so grateful for these people who love me.  I am running on their love.

Wow.

For the first time ever, I listened to my daughter sleep for thirty minutes without snoring, moving or jerking.

When she was an infant I could hear her "sleeping" through a door.

How long it takes to figure out how to help your kid...poor kid...

Only perk

Milkshakes for breakfast.

Heading home!!

Getting ready!

Our current existence

This sums it up well:  http://iocdf.org/pandas/

What I found in my bed

Dentist

Superhero at the dentist.

And, Kate has her first loose tooth!!

Cuddle pile

Movie night

We have done a couple of Friday movie nights and the kids love it! Its been super fun. A nice way to enjoy the start of the weekend.

Quote of the day

"Our life is our message."
Ethan Hawke  talking to Terry Gross about Boyhood and raising kids.

No Expectations

The key to parenthood is to eliminate expectations.  Just, don't bother.  Then, you are rarely disappointed and sometimes surprised.

Christmas week we went to Utah and both kids got sick.  Our divide and conquer sleeping arrangement seemed to maximize sleep though:  Daddy P and Jacob together, Kate and I.  Jacob was up several times a night for the whole week, unfortunately for Daddy P.  Kate had a nasty cough that kept me up some but she actually managed to sleep as soon as we put her in her own bed on the floor.  A holiday trip to urgent care to rule out an ear infection topped it off.

They had fun during the day, but wore out as the week went on.

As soon as we got home Jacob and I both got really sick, sleeping all day and feeling lousy.  He got a fever on New Years Eve and we missed hanging out with friends.  Because everyone was sick, and Kate was still getting over her cough we had to reschedule her surgery which is still up in the air.

We had a beautiful Saturday and Sunday -- relaxing, fun, and everyone felt decent.

Yesterday, Jacob came home with a 103 fever.  No flu, but pneumonia.  Apparently our yearly bout.  So he will be home the rest of the week.

I'm trying to ignore how behind I am getting at work and just treat it like my own personal sick day since I feel pretty lousy myself.

Despite all this, we are all in pretty good spirits.  Grateful for medicine, for a soft bed, and for plentiful food.  Could be so much worse.

Now that I'm going on hour two of Barney, though, I might root against instant video access...